Tuesday, 1 September 2009A Second Application.
- you have started a new memo-
Hi, my name is
I eagerly await your response
however, if it is
I’ll have a lot of questions.
I have studied a life science!
I’m the proud owner of two blue pens (with lids)
and a highlighter
understandably, I am perfect for your course.
I am not averse to spending long nights
dans la bibliothéque
propping up my heavy head with dusty volumes
scribed by geniuses past and present.
A fitting scene for the prospectus cover photo
don’t you agree?
Then I’ll return home to watch ‘Brass Eye’
and microwave a cheese toastie
thus qualifying as an active member of the student body.
Rest assured, my grades will be eternally ‘excellent’
unless they are ‘good’ or ‘fair effort’
but you will never see a ‘poor’.
For as long as I have ‘Brass Eye’ and cheese toasties
I will produce the goods – can you please enable their inclusion into the induction programme?.
Enclosed is a cheque for £1.83,
not enough to open a wing under my name
nevertheless, it will cover the postage
of sending me a birds eye view map regarding
my new living quarters
(single sex, not next to the toilets if possible)
I will enrich your institution with tales of great prestige!
I will smash all records.
I will become a legend in such a way to prevent record books from ever painting an accurate picture.
I will make you the Real Madrid of Higher Education
whilst being suitably charitable with my spare time
I’ll join the lacrosse team, handing out flyers for the ‘autumn dance’.
So please, I beg of you – grant me a chance.