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Number 119.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

I get the feeling I've just met someone absolutely amazing.
The Art Squat house kitty whose name I was told but cant remember, Oscar and I simmered down on the bed, ate grapes and Pocky and watched Killing of a Chinese Bookie last night. Good Seventies film. Lots of beautiful ladies. One showing of a wrinkly old man penis though, sub par. Then we watched Andrew WK give the weather report. Then I couldn't sleep, so we watched The Day Today, and reruns of The Price is Right. Then he made me listen to his music and I hated it. Then I made him listen to mine and he hated it. Then we agreed on something, or took the piss out of each other, I can't remember. Then it was 6am and it was bright, kitty had passed out, Oscar had one eye open and I had to go to work.

Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 118.

Friday, 18 September 2009

My babies! Plus a whole bunch of film = September, the month of the instant.

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Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 117.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

A few months ago, I got an email from a media agent at Medavia (Cosmo, Look, Now etc) asking if he could do an interview with me to ask about various aspects of my life, to sell stuff to magazines as articles for money. After I had said no (twice), he agreed to leave me alone, but still emails me with requests from magazines to see if I am interested. I will now share one of these emails with you now, as they are quite something.


I slept through my wedding/ hen night/ honeymoon – Do you suffer from narcolepsy? Did it cause you to snooze through your big day? Or another important or significant event in your life? Maybe it was your partner who kept nodding off?
Price guide – You are likely to get between £300 - £1000 for this story or similar

Survivors of rape/ domestic abuse – Do you want to speak out about what happened to you to help other women? Would your story reach out to others suffering and inspire them to act? Was your attacker convicted? Do you have pictures to show what he did to you?
Price guide – You are likely to get between £700 - £2000 for this story or similar

Best friend stole my husband – Did you catch your best friend with your husband? Are you now divorced and them married? Have you been able to forgive them? Have you now found Mr Right?
Price guide – You are likely to get between £1000 - £2000 for this story or similar

I’m different – and I love it! – Were you born with a physical abnormality? Or perhaps you were involved in an accident and were left with significant injuries? Did you learn to love your look instead of opting for surgery? Have you found love since? Maybe you have an unusual condition which affects your hair? Or putting on make-up? Or shopping for clothes?
Price guide - You are likely to get between £600 - £1500 for this story or similar

I went to university – with my mum! – Did you live in student accommodation together? Go out socialising together? Study the same course and go to lectures together? Perhaps you even went on dates together?
Price guide - You are likely to get between £600 - £1200 for this story or similar

IN THE NEWS – Have you appeared in your local paper or even a national newspaper? Has your story already made headlines? Did you get hounded by the press but didn’t know what to do? Did you decide not to speak at the time? Maybe you would like to talk about your experiences now to pay tribute to a lost loved one or to raise awareness and campaign for change? Get in touch and we can have an informal discussion about your options
Price guide – You are likely to get between £500 - £3500 for this story or similar

Amazing survival – Have you survived a recent plane crash? Devastating house fire? Or some other equally shocking disaster? Do you have pictures to show what you went through?
Price guide – You are likely to get between £300 - £1000 for this story or similar

I married my toy boy lover! – Did you marry a man more than 20 years your junior?
Price guide – You are likely to get between £600 - £2000 for this story or similar

Unusual surgery – Have you had surgery to correct unequal breasts? Or to correct some form of disfigurement? The more unusual the surgery and the better the pictures the higher your fee will be
Price guide – You are likely to get between £300 - £2000 for this story or similar

Shocking crime – Have you been held up at gun point? Violently attacked or conned out of all your possessions? Was a loved one tragically murdered? Have you been the victim of knife crime? The more shocking the crime the higher your fee will be. The offender will need to have been convicted in court
Price guide – You are likely to get between £1000 - £3000 for this story or similar

Weight loss found me a new man – Did you shed the pounds and found love? Perhaps your efforts saved your current relationship? Or was there another radical benefit to dropping dress sizes?
Price guide – You are likely to get between £300 - £1000 for this story or similar

Unusual sex! – Did you and your partner find a shocking or unusual way to breathe new life into the bedroom – or wherever!?
Price guide – You are likely to get between £300 - £1000 for this story or similar

Ideas and pics to [email address withheld] or you can call me on [number withheld]
Have a great week and I look forward to hearing from you!

[name withheld]


I actually seriously considered the narcolepsy one.

Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 116.

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

One of these major supermarket chains was responsible for me acquiring a new acquaintance yesterday.

A. Tesco

B. Sainsbury's

C. Asda

D. Netto

....well, I said major, so it's not Netto.

After spending the last weekend eating nothing but carcass and cardboard at Bestival, my body was literally screaming out for fresh fruit, backflipping for water and groaning for greens. A trip to Asda was on the cards. My housemate had informed me of its presence on my first day in Manchester, and so my Father and I made a trip. Since then, I have been a slave to the wonder of internet shopping. On this occasion, I couldn't wait the two working days and so went for the hands on experience. Turning right out of my flats, I set my Blackberry to try and find the place, after ten minutes ending up on Stretford Bridge. For those in Portsmouth, this is like wanting to go to Commercial Road from Elm Grove and ending up on Albert Road. For the Londoners, think Waterloo to Brixton and ending up in Covent Garden. Just does not make ANY sense. Realising my errors, I asked the next person who walked past: "Excuse me, do you know where Asda is?". The guy turned to me and said in an American accent " Man, you're nowhere near, like nowhere, you gotta go all the way THAT way, up that road, woah... um, lemme just see..."

He tried to explain landmarks to me, and I had to explain to him that I had no clue. He said my best bet was to walk back up to Oxford Road. He was going in that direction (apparently) so would take me. He turned out to be a half-American, half-German law and psycology student at Manchester Uni. We walked to the bus stop where he told me which bus to get on. He lived in Didsbury, and so needed to get on the same bus. After busting me for a while for having a Blackberry and an iPod, we debated Mac vs PC for a bit, then he told me about all the nice parks in Manchester. and all the rough parts. It was coming up to where I had to get off to find this ever elusive Asda... he tried to direct me just beforehand but I just was not getting it... so he said "hey, I've actually got nothing to do for a while and I have a friend down this road, i'll walk with you". So we talked about his German hometown for a bit: Heidleburg (I had heard that it is a pretty nice place from someone I used to walk with), and I talked about Southsea (he had been, he said it was small but beautiful, which pretty much sums it up). And other things, and different stuff. He said that he thought I was seventeen when I had asked him for help, which made me feel uneasy. He was 26, and was just starting mental illnesses in his syllabus, which is my forte (I got a first in Neuroscience). We finally made it to Asda, where I thanked him so much for his help, and on request gave him my email address to add me on Facebook. It turns out that he is actually nice, normal and friendly. I had just met the nicest stranger in the world, and apparently he shares the sentiment.

Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 115.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

I lay down every night
but I can’t get no rest
cos it starts spinning in my brain
and then it’s pounding in my chest

What if I wasted all my youth
What if I wasted growing up
What if I wasted my whole life
oh man
I’d feel like throwing up it’s an
Anxiety attack
An anxiety attack
I’ve got a bad case of the horrors and at night it comes back

Cos first I look back at my week
and then I look back at my year
and then I’m terrified to speak
and then I’m paralysed with fear

And I’m tossing and I’m turning
and I’m going round the bend
all I see is all my failings
downward spirals without end

and I see horror in the in the future
and I see horror in the past
and its 4 am and 5 am and 6 am at last

Cos what if I never feel grown up
and I end in a car accident
and what if I go crazy
and what if this time it’s permanent

And what if I go broke
and have to move back with my parents
and then what if I get cancer
and I ain’t got no insurance

All my days are moving faster
and it’s making me feel dizzy
how come I get nothing done
but always feel so busy

And I used to feel so smart you know
I used to feel so strong
but this just can’t be how to live
I must be doing something wrong

Because everything I might do
feels like something else I can’t
and then another day is gone
and I just don’t know where it went

I try not to hang too much try not to watch too much television
But still everything I do just seems to be the wrong decision

And I lay down every night
but still I can’t get no rest
cos it starts spinning in my brain
and then it’s pounding in my chest
it’s an
Anxiety attack
an Anxiety attack
I ’ve got a bad case of the horrors
and at night it comes back...

whatever kind of day you might be having, take comfort in the fact that it is probably not as bad as Jeffrey Lewis's...

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Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 114.

Imported old and sole post from Wordpress blog as i'm converting it to photos only.

Original Title: My Laptop Died. [ April 12, 2009 at 9:06 pm ]

BYE BYE TOM VEK – my beloved super slim Fujitsu Siemens laptop. You bore my dissertation, my exams, my life. and you died. Apparently your motherboard impacted. Something that would have cost more than the £700 of your worth to fix. Perhaps I didn’t take care of you enough, my Dad said that if it had been one of his delegates that had done this to his laptop – he would have sued for maltreatment and abuse of company property. A little harsh, but oh well. You were held together with tape towards the latter stages of your life, both your hinges had broken off (one from me sitting on you accidentally when you lay under my duvet, the other from me dropping you when I fell asleep watching a movie). Around the 3-E-F3 section of the keyboard you had a small delve, where I had dropped a can of Coke on you. You once had an entire can of Red Bull emptied into your keyboard, and Calpol spilled onto your screen. Bits of candy were stuck between keys and I didn't have a “H” key for a month and a half. Your finger pad was worn down, and your fan grid was cracked. Your anti shock pads were peeled off and you would shock me regularly…but that was probably not your fault because I often conduct electricity. You have been left behind in many places, but I did buy you a lovely Puma dog tooth carry bag with matching software case to wear. Many people have used you, many people have loved you. Many, many people have picked you up and said something along the lines of "TOM VEK? Where did he go eh? A Little Word In Your Ear was a top song". You were a fantastic colour and your screen width and battery power were second to none. You were PIN-ACTIVATED for goodness sake. And now I’ve lost you. You’ll die with the very TOM VEK sticker I stuck on you when I first got you. I won’t be able to afford another laptop for a long while, mainly because I’ve never paid for one before. Times are hard. You were like a little electronic toy/child/pet/boyfriend wrapped into one shiny case. TOM VEK I will miss you.

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Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 113.

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Oh and I also found this

Okay that's enough.

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Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 112.

OH! This place will save my life.

Wednesday 09th September
Now Wave9pm 09/09/09 Free Entry ::: 9pm - 2am ::: Music Hall
Going to the first birthday with housemate, her friends, some friends of friends and some random who started talking to me at the Liam Frost gig the other night. If I don't return, he's killed me. This night should be good though, Fuck Buttons are playing the first birthday, with other up and coming acts championing through to Christmas. I cannot be assed to do much work when I'm off for Bestival in little less than two hours - hence the multiple posts. IT can probably see I'm not doing anything. They are probably reading this right now. Sorry guys, but I just cannot do it. You probably know I have been reading Tanya Gold all morning, and I have been looking at various Vice Reader's blogs, and about the Geneva convention, and about Allen Ginsburg. I'M SORRY. But there is nothing on this Mother Earth that will get me to do anything significant this afternoon, i'm pumped full of Maltesers and vanilla coffee, I have one more meeting at three to discuss earwax REMOVAL marketing strategies and then i'm free to get hella drunk and wake up in a funk (sorry).

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Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 111.

Ten things that make my workdesk a little less unbearable to sit behind for 35 hours a week.

1. A Richard Brautigan love poem (highlighted to me by Phil) stuck to my conference phone

2. A picture of green grass cut out of a Graze box (sent to me by Katie) which has all my memos affixed to it

3. A grey ribbon tied into a bow and stuck onto the handset of my desk phone

4. A laminated HEALTH - you will love each other sticker plastered on to the desk table

5. A set of four Winter Olympic themed stamps stuck to the left hand side of my screen

6. An interchangable "Today's Mood!" feature fashioned on the bottom left hand corner of my computer screen. It currently reads: "dastardly"

7. My emergency pound strictly for vanilla coffee only

8. A copy of "Your Feet. Our Science." a consumer education guide (from Andrew), and a bottle of Aloe Vera flavoured sexual lubricant (it smells like rainforest) given to me on my first day

9. A small cardboard cut out of the Pocky Strawberry saying things in Japanese that I will probably never understand

10. A small red calender containing nothing about me, but instead contains the dates of everything important happening each month to everyone I care about who isn't near

Oh BESTIVAL. I cannot wait. There is absolutely nothing that can ruin it.

Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 110.

Ten factors that prevented me from getting the recommended 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night.

1. Forgetting to turn off flower headboard lights

2. Listening to Zane Lowe's Muse Night on Radio 1 and turning off half way through the falsetto in Take A Bow

3. Beef, Spinach and Onion home-made spring rolls

4. 3/4 of a litre of sugar-free apple and blackcurrant squash (Branded, Robinsons)

5. The wearing of only one sock

6. Uncontrollable mental revision for driving test and french test

7. Growing excitement of seeing some of my favourite people in the world very soon

8. The couple arguing outside about infidelity and alcoholism: 'Paul' has been a bad boy

9. Many, many recruitment emails

10. My hair elegantly wrapping itself around my neck

Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 109.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

"Oh... boy, I apologize. My hormones are goin' nuts. Now, please... if you would... get the fuck outta my way. I mean, how many times I gotta fuckin' write "ice cream" on this fuckin' list before someone gets in fuckin' gear, and brings home the fuckin' ice cream? Maybe I should get a steak knife, and etch it in your muthafuckin' forehead! How hard can it fuckin' be? Ice muthafuckin' cream! I guess that's the price I pay for livin' with two fuckin' morons!"


Author: selectronic » Comments:

Number 108.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

A Second Application.

- you have started a new memo-
Hi, my name is
I eagerly await your response
however, if it is
I’ll have a lot of questions.

I have studied a life science!
I’m the proud owner of two blue pens (with lids)
and a highlighter
understandably, I am perfect for your course.

I am not averse to spending long nights
dans la bibliothéque
propping up my heavy head with dusty volumes
scribed by geniuses past and present.
A fitting scene for the prospectus cover photo
don’t you agree?
Then I’ll return home to watch ‘Brass Eye’
and microwave a cheese toastie
thus qualifying as an active member of the student body.

Rest assured, my grades will be eternally ‘excellent’
unless they are ‘good’ or ‘fair effort’
but you will never see a ‘poor’.
For as long as I have ‘Brass Eye’ and cheese toasties
I will produce the goods – can you please enable their inclusion into the induction programme?.

Enclosed is a cheque for £1.83,
not enough to open a wing under my name
nevertheless, it will cover the postage
of sending me a birds eye view map regarding
my new living quarters
(single sex, not next to the toilets if possible)

I will enrich your institution with tales of great prestige!
Quick wit!
Insane aptitude!
Forceful comeuppance!
Horrific salvation!
Offensive comment!
I will smash all records.

I will become a legend in such a way to prevent record books from ever painting an accurate picture.

I will make you the Real Madrid of Higher Education
whilst being suitably charitable with my spare time
I’ll join the lacrosse team, handing out flyers for the ‘autumn dance’.
So please, I beg of you – grant me a chance.

Author: selectronic » Comments: