Sunday, 4 January 2009
It's 21:11 on a Sunday evening and i'm in bed listening to Radiohead. It's the time of year again where I look back and try to put things into perspective. This weekend has again, been a blur, doing things I probably shouldn't have in places I'm not meant to be, walking home from said places the following evening thinking "So what happens now?". I'm not going to set any resolutions this year, but instead some life goals.
:: stay off the smack. what happened? pharmacology - the STUDY of the effects of drugs on the body, not the PRACTICE. really used to have a passion for this sort of stuff, i used to be upbeat, lively. now i'm permanently monged. it's heart wrenching because only a year ago I was happily content with guilt-free wholesome fun depicted by the photos above. now, escapism has become a prison.
:: money will ruin you. debts out of my earholes and student load interest has jumped up for no flipping reason. expense after ill-needed expense. if there was ever a time to learn financial prioritising, this would be it. i could start with placing my change in my wallet instead of throwing it over my head when im at my computer.
:: you'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking. this one i've been quite good at recently. i'm not one for karma and fate, but i am one for faith. so basically, the more disrespect i throw onto the world, the more i will recieve, not by some natural world order realigning the equilibrium of vitality or some other reader's digest like, homeopathic bullshit like that, but because I will fucking deserve it. So i'm trying as hard as I can to see the best in everyone and not to focus on their faults.
:: take a step back and look at the bigger picture (this one is from my dad). In a year's time, where will I be? What will I be doing? What steps have I taken to ensure I fufill the plans I have? Have I made plans at all? What I tend to do is focus on the academic side of things. I would be the one waking up at 6 am to catch the first bus to the library to read before the first lecture at nine, then at 5, back to the library for some good reading till 12. then back home. now i am about 2 steps away from my dream job, but there are other parts to life besides the career which have been severely ignored. I didn't know it was such a big deal to my parents until my dad had a 40 min chat with me when he drove me to Waterloo station. It was one of those talks where I had pre-set replies of "yes Dad", "mmhm" and "*whimper*", I sat on the train home and have never felt as lost as I did then.
I fucking miss having a clear head, but mine seems to be bursting full of bias and inaccuracies. My second Grandad died on NYE - i never met him or knew him, but I still had the urge to apologise to him for not feeling much more than a "oh, that's sad news". 2009 is my 22nd birthday, my sister's 18th, my first year in full time work, my ordination into TOPRA (the organisation for professionals in regulatory affairs), my applications to masters, my (hopeful) completion of an A-level in French, my first full caffeine free year, a move away from portsmouth, a move away from England maybe.
Nothing left to say but : WE SHALL SEE.